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  • Writer's pictureEmily Beloof, MA, MFTi

We Used to Have Sex All the Time - 3 Tips to Rekindle the Flame

A lot of things can pause, stop, or thwart a thriving sex life for a couple. These could include stress, frustration, resentments, the addition of a child, schedule challenges, low self-esteem and confidence, side effects of medication - the list goes on. In this article, I will be focusing on one common dynamic in couples that can kill your sex life: forgetting to dedicate time and space to being lovers.

It is common, especially in long-term relationships, for couples to start spending all of their time as co-home managers, parents, or community members and forget to give the lovers time to play. It is as if each pair of partners has multiple couples inside of them: the lovers, the domestic householders, the parents, the upstanding citizens, the daughters and sons. In such a busy world, it can be easy to squeeze out the needs and desires of the lovers within our couple in favor of errands, chores, social events, and obligations. It can seem to take too much time to get in the mood, feel sexy, engage in foreplay, and have sex in a way that we feel fulfilled.

If the lovers are being neglected, if you feel unsatisfied in your sex life, if you have had a vital sex life before, or desire to try for one, read through the following suggestions. Integrating these steps into your life could set you on the path of having the sex life you want.

Step 1: Start with yourself. In order to feel in the mood, you must feel sexy. So, take a minute to identify 3-5 things that make you feel luscious, sexy, confident, delicious. It could be wearing a certain article of clothing, flirting a little with the check-out clerk, or listening to special music. Try to integrate one of these experiences into your daily life and see if you start to sizzle a little bit more in your own body and experience.

Step 2: Make time. How is it that we make time for so many things: our work, our friends, our children, our taxes, but we think that sex will just "happen." Maybe, it's because in the beginning or in the past, it worked that way. However, now that you and your partner's lives are so intertwined, you may be more likely to ask your partner if they transferred the money, who is cooking dinner tomorrow night, or did they call your friends back than to ask where they want you to touch them first. So, dedicate time, just like you might your workout routine, meditation, or commute. Weekly date nights can be a good place to start or just an afternoon where you both may want to spruce up a little and light a candle (or whatever gets you in the mood).

Step 3: Try it again. If it has been a while since you and your partner have reveled in your sexual sides together, it may take some time to find the connection and get back in the groove of things. If the first time you connect sexually feels disappointing, try not to get discouraged, and try again. It is possible that you will find your way after a few experiences. If not, there may be other challenges present in the relationship that deserve attention and support.

One of the challenges I help individuals and couples with is connecting to their sexuality, creating vital sex, and reconnecting with their partner. You are not alone in struggling with this and support is available. If you are interested in working with me, please call 971-231-7421 or email



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